Birth of a Cosmos


God had leased a luxury spacecraft from the Krogans to tool around in for a few days of vacation. He was in the grandiose observation deck, standing in front of an enormous glass wall, the explosive gory majesty of the cosmos sprawling out in front of him – a sanguineous, uterine explosion of burning gases flecked with phosphorous white stars set like stones in swirling pools of yellow and purple.

“Magnificent isn’t it”? he sighed in deep, rumbling contentment.

“Yes, yes”, snapped his irritable, thin-lipped senior adviser, standing next to him with his hands clasped firmly behind his back.

“Whatever”, muttered God’s bored, scantily-clad girlfriend who was reclining elegantly on a black cloud sofa behind them, thin wisps of cigarette smoke drifting out through her nostrils.

God cast her a sidelong look, shrugged, turned back to the view and spread his arms wide. “You know, it’s hard to believe that this is what came out of me 13.7 billion years ago after I ate that 5 alarm chili down at Bob’s Diner”.

“Oh, don’t start”! cried the adviser.

“What’s your problem”? asked God, his face a mask of perplexity as he reached for a beer in the cooler beside him.

“How many times do we have to listen to this crap, er – I mean, story”?!!

“Hang on a sec'” said God, fumbling with the twist-off beer cap. “Bah, I hate these damn things… hey babe, can you pop the top off this thing”? he asked, turning and flinging the bottle at the girlfriend. The bottle hurtled through the air, end-over-end and smashed into smithereens against the wall behind the cloud sofa, drenching the girlfriend from head-to-toe in a torrential shower of frothy beer suds.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing, you crazy fucking maniac”??!!! screamed the girlfriend, marching furiously over to God and planting herself in front of him confrontationally, hands on her slinky hips.

“Well, I”, stammered God sheepishly, “I mean, those caps always really chafe my hands so I thought..”

“You… I… you… thought… I”, spluttered the girlfriend, face turning purple with rage, “I… Aaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrggggggggg”!!!! she roared, stomping from the observation deck and slamming the door so loud it shook the entire spaceship.

“What do you think her problem is”? asked God matter-of-factly, jabbing his thumb towards the door that was miraculously still on its hinges.

“You know, the ‘beer me bitch’ era has been over for awhile now”, said the advisor dryly.

“Really”?!

“Yes, really. Listen, I’ve been your senior advisor for several billion years now, right”?

“Yes”.

“May I speak freely”?

“Um – sure”.

“Well, you’re God, right”?

“That’s me! Yay, me”!

“Okay, but Gods are supposed to be omnipresent, right? See and know ALL, right? We’re flying in a freaking spaceship, man!!! AND you are on vacation with your girlfriend! Gods are NOT supposed to go on vacations with their damn girlfriends!!! I mean, Gods are supposed to be everywhere and all-wise and fair and just right?! Well, I mean – ugh – I mean. Wait, look! Look down there!! There’s Earth right there. I mean, I know that everything came out of your ass but – just look at THAT. How do you sleep at night?! There’s another point – Gods aren’t supposed to sleep at night like you!! And even Earthlings can open a beer by themselves”!!!

“You’re right, by God”!!! shouted God, “Wait, I’m God – I, hang on – oh, never mind. The point is that you are right!!! I knew I made you my senior advisor for good reason! An honest God needs to keep people around who aren’t afraid to kick Him to the curb from time to time! I haven’t done a damn thing in 13.7 billion years but today I CREATE”!!!

“Oh, no – what have I done”, whimpered the advisor.

“Stop the ship and prepare my shuttle”!!! bellowed God into his iPhone.

“Where… where are you going”?

“There’s a little place in Louisiana down there called ‘Ass in the Tub Chili’ and, get this – it’s TEN alarm chili. I’m going to do things properly this time”!!

“Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo”!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

About Requiem for the Damned

Ask the aliens
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