I had started a blog on how I AM and how I am NOT a Liberal. I wanted to write a mildly amusing blog. Not far into it, though, when I was explaining why I am opposed to the death penalty, I mentioned that it is unconscionable to execute anyone for any crime who has a serious mental disorder. I have now decided to make the Liberal/Conservative blog the one after this one because mental disorder is now dominating my thoughts and the point of this selfish blog is to just talk about what is on my mind.


I knew one person with schizophrenia and another with bi-polar disorder. I am no longer friends with either because their behavior became too aberrant for me to deal with.

I think probably the main reason my relationships fail with people who have a mental disorder (or are just plain weird) is because my own life-long battle with crushing depression makes me too weak to help them.

I want to talk about depression.

Even as a young boy, I became morose easily and felt alienated from the people surrounding me no matter how ‘happy’ the environment was. Having my English accent beaten out of me in the schoolyard when I was in Elementary School was, I think (but I’m not sure), when I began flirting with the ‘dark side’. It didn’t help that I am also an only child and so I was naturally inclined to bratty, self-indulgent introspection.

Then I became the product of a broken home. My father had the kindness to walk out on my mother and I on Christmas Day when I was 12 years old (and I was already confused about my seemingly permanent erections). My mother was left an emotional wreck whose profound heartbreak I think somehow seeped into me and broke me too. It didn’t help that when I turned to a teacher at school as a father figure – I was betrayed again.

Depression took root in me, deeply, in my teens (and no, this was not your basic teenage Goth angst bullshit). The colors in the world were washed out and I saw things in octaves of black and white. When I was 18, I slashed my wrists as my girlfriend at the time was doing.

I am not going to chronicle all of the pain and suffering and medications that followed because, frankly, it’s just a bore.

It is only about where the debilitating condition of depression has left me now.

At the age of 42, I have managed to rein in a lot of the demons and I constantly remind myself of the following: 

  • I have good friends who love me
  • I have the most beautiful daughter in the world who loves me
  • I live in Montreal – the greatest city in the world
  • I have a lovely apartment in the greatest city in the world
  • I am relatively financially secure (the people on the street break my heart)
  • Self-medicating on alcohol and drugs is mostly under control

However, there is still the darkness. It often feels like there are little sucker weights all over my body – pulling me down (and I’ve heard voices). Although I have controlled a lot of this illness, there are 2 sticking points that just have a compounding effect: 

  • I will probably never be able to work more than a pretty basic job
  • I will probably never be able to succeed in my relationships with women

The first one I will discuss in a later blog. The second one is a heartbreaker. 

I have slept with a lot of women and have had 5 “serious” relationships with women. I remember when I got involved in my 1st “serious” relationship, at the age of 19, with a girl named Amanda – I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. And you know what? I would have if things hadn’t fallen apart. Some people think that I have had a pile of girlfriends to prove something. It’s so not true. I am so on board with the whole “let’s grow old together” thing – it’s not even funny – and I have been since my teens.

Why do my relationships always fail?


I’m a total shit to be around sometimes and it’s so often hard for me to see it through the turmoil.

My girlfriend, Brenda, is moving out of our home and buying her own place to be by herself because it’s intolerable to live with me.

I have protested.

To no avail.


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3 Responses to Depression

  1. Ash says:

    that makes two us who can’t hold down a relationship… sad for me it’s first breakup.


  2. Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ says:

    That makes “god-knows how many” of us…

    Caroline Aherne, British Comedian[1] ; Buzz Aldrin, American astronaut, the second man to set foot on the moon[2] ; Woody Allen, American film director[3][4] ; Claus von Amsberg, German diplomat and husband of Queen Beatrix of the Netherlands[5] ; Hans Christian Andersen, Danish writer[6] ; Hideaki Anno, Japanese animator and film director[7] ; Malcolm Arnold, British composer[8] ; Richard Ashcroft, English singer-songwriter[9] ; Machado de Assis, Brazilian writer[10] ; David Banner, American hip hop artist[11] ; Parveen Babi, Bollywood actress.[12] ; Maria Bamford, Comedienne and voice-over actress[13] ; Charles Baudelaire, French poet[14] ; Ingmar Bergman, Swedish film director[15] ; William Blake, British poet and painter[16] ; Kjell Magne Bondevik, Norwegian politician and former Prime Minister of Norway[17] ; David Bohm, British quantum physicist[18] ; Terry Bradshaw, American football player[19], Football Analyst, Sports Anchor; Art Buchwald, American humorist[20] ; Joe Budden, American hip hop artist[21] ; Robert Burton British academic (author of The Anatomy of Melancholy)[22] ; Anthony Callea, Australian pop singer[23] ; Drew Carey, American comedian and actor[24] ; Jim Carrey, Canadian actor and comedian[25] ; Dick Cavett, American talk show host[26] ; Melanie Chisholm, English pop singer-songwriter[27] ; Raymond Chandler, writer of detective fiction[28] ; Iris Chang, Chinese American writer and historian[29] ; David Chase, American television writer, television director and television producer (The Rockford Files, Northern Exposure, The Sopranos)[30] ; Lawton Chiles, American politician[17] ; Agatha Christie, English crime writer[31] ; Winston Churchill, British Prime Minister [32] ; Kurt Cobain, American singer-songwriter and guitarist (Nirvana)[33] ; Catherine Cookson, English author[34] ; Leonard Cohen, Canadian songwriter[35] ; Joseph Conrad, Polish writer[36] ; Calvin Coolidge, 30th President of the United States.[37] ; Billy Corgan, American musician (The Smashing Pumpkins)[38] ; Rivers Cuomo, American musician (Weezer)[39] ; Ian Curtis, British musician, leader of Joy Division[40] ; Roméo Dallaire, Canadian general, senator and humanitarian[41] ; Rodney Dangerfield, American comedian and actor[42] ; Edgar Degas, French painter[43] ; John Denver, American musician[44] ; Charles Dickens, British writer[16] ; Fyodor Dostoyevsky, Russian writer [45] ; Nick Drake, British musician[46] ; Doug Duncan, American politician, candidate for the Democratic nomination for Governor of Maryland in the 2006 elections[17] ; Patty Duke, American actress[47] ; Kirsten Dunst, American actress[48] ; Thomas Eagleton, American senator[49] ; T. S. Eliot, American poet[50] ; James Ellroy, American crime writer[51] ; Eminem, American Rapper[52] ; Robert Enke, German footballer [53] ; Marcus Epstein, American paleoconservative political activist and commentator[54] ; William Faulkner, American author[55] ; Paul Feyerabend, Austrian philosopher of science[56] ; Harrison Ford, American actor[57] ; Michel Foucault, French philosopher[58] ; Nelly Furtado, Canadian musician[59] ; John Frusciante, American musician[60] ; Geoff Gallop, Australian politician[61] ; Romain Gary, French-Lithuanian-Polish novelist and diplomat[62] ; Paul Gauguin, French painter[63] ; Carlo Gesualdo, Italian composer, after murdering his wife, her lover, and his own son[64] ; Paul Getty, British philanthropist[65] ; Vincent van Gogh, Dutch painter[16] ; Francisco de Goya, Spanish painter[66] ; Spalding Gray, American actor and writer[67] ; Graham Greene, British writer[68] ; Zack Greinke, American MLB pitcher[69] ; Eddie Griffin, American NBA Player[70] ; Tony Hancock, English actor and comedian[71] ; Andrew Hansen, Australian comedian (part of The Chaser team)[72] ; Elizabeth Hartman, American actress[73] ; Anne Hathaway, American actress[74] ; Friedrich August Hayek, Austrian economist[75] ; Ernest Hemingway, American writer[16] ; Margaux Hemingway, American actress; granddaughter of Ernest Hemingway[76] ; John Hinckley, Jr., American would-be assassin of Ronald Reagan[77] ; Sir Julian Huxley, British biologist, author and administrator[78] ; Geoffrey Hill, English poet[79] ; Herbert Hart, British philosopher[80] ; Michael Hutchence, Australian singer–songwriter[81] ; Natalie Imbruglia, Australian singer-songwriter, actress and model.[82] ; Jack Irons, American musician, drummer for the bands Eleven, Pearl Jam, and Red Hot Chili Peppers[83] ; Janet Jackson, American singer[84] ; Henry James, British writer[85] ; William James, American philosopher and psychologist[86] ; Billy Joel, American musician[87] ; Daniel Johns, Australian musician[88] ; Samuel Johnson, British lexicographer, biographer, essayist and poet[89] ; Ashley Judd, American actor[90] ; Jung Da Bin, Korean actress[91] ; Sarah Kane, British playwright[92] ; Hamid Karzai, Afghan President [93] ; Susanna Kaysen, American writer[94] ; John Keats, British poet [95] ; Marian Keyes, Irish writer[96] ; Kool Keith, American hip hop artist[97] ; Søren Kierkegaard, Danish philosopher[98] ; Ernst Ludwig Kirchner, German painter[99] ; John Kirwan, New Zealand rugby player, former All Black, currently coach of Japan national rugby team[100] ; Beyoncé Knowles, American singer-songwriter[101] ; Akira Kurosawa, Japanese film director[102] ; Alan Ladd, American actor[103] ; Hugh Laurie, British actor[104] ; Denis Lawson, British actor[105] ; Heath Ledger, Australian actor[106] ; John Lennon, British musician; Neil Lennon, Northern Irish footballer[107] ; Meriwether Lewis, American Explorer[108] ; Abraham Lincoln, American lawyer and politician, 16th President of the United States[109] ; Oscar Lopez, Chilean-Canadian folk guitarist[110] ; Federico García Lorca, Spanish poet[111] ; Martin Luther, German priest and theologian[112] ; Paul Merton, English comedian[113] ; Gustav Mahler, German composer[114] ; Henri Matisse, French painter[115] ; Vladimir Mayakovsky, Russian writer and poet[116] ; Brian May, British guitarist[117] ; Guy de Maupassant, French writer[118] ; Ewan McGregor, Scottish actor[119] ; Herman Melville, American writer[120] ; Charlotte Mew, British poet[121] ; Michelangelo, Italian painter and sculptor[122] ; John Stuart Mill, British political philosopher[123] ; Spike Milligan, Irish comedian and writer[124] ; Joan Miró, Spanish painter[125] ; Morrissey, British singer and former frontman of The Smiths[126] ; Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, Austrian composer [95] ; Isaac Newton, British physicist[127] ; Friedrich Nietzsche, German philosopher[16] ; Bill Oddie, British comedy performer and naturalist[128] ; Eugene O’Neill, American playwright[129] ; Robert Oppenheimer, American physicist (‘father of the atomic bomb’)[130] ; Patton Oswalt, American comedian and actor[131] ; Marie Osmond, American musician[132] ; Ronnie O’Sullivan, English snooker player[133] ; Gwyneth Paltrow, American actress[134] ; Henri Paul, French chauffeur (driver during the car crash that killed Diana, Princess of Wales)[135] ; Ryan Phillippe, American actor[136] ; T. Boone Pickens, Jr., American oil tycoon[137] ; János Pilinszky, Hungarian poet [138] ; Sylvia Plath, American writer[16] ; Edgar Allan Poe, American poet and writer[16] (speculated) ; Bill Pulsipher, American baseball player [139] ; Jackson Pollock, American painter[140] ; Charley Pride, American country music singer.[141] ; Sergei Rachmaninoff, Russian composer and pianist [142] ; Charlotte Rampling, English actress[143] ; Trent Reznor, American musician[144] ; Anne Rice, American writer[145] ; Rainer Maria Rilke, Austrian poet[146] ; John D. Rockefeller, American industrialist[147] ; Mark Rothko, American painter[148] ; Hans Rott, Austrian composer[149] ; J. K. Rowling, British writer[150][151] ; Jim Salinger, New Zealand climate change scientist[152] ; Siegfried Sassoon, British poet and soldier[153] ; Robert Schumann, German composer[154] ; Jean Seberg, American actress[155] ; Brian Sewell, English art critic[156] ; Will Self, English novelist, reviewer and columnist[157] ; Anne Sexton, American poet[158] ; Brooke Shields, American actress[159] ; Sarah Silverman, American comedian[160] ; Elliott Smith, American musician[161] ; Britney Spears, American pop singer[162] ; Layne Staley, American musician.[163] ; Vivian Stanshall, British humourist and musician (Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band)[164] ; Rod Steiger, American actor[165] ; William Styron, writer[166] ; Amy Tan, American writer[167] ; Catherine Tate, English comedienne and actress[168] ; James Taylor, American singer-songwriter[169] ; Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky, Russian composer[170] ; Leo Tolstoy, Russian writer[171] ; Georg Trakl, Austrian poet[172] ; Lars Von Trier, Danish film director[173] ; Mark Twain, American writer[16] ; Jeff Tweedy, American musician (Wilco)[174] ; Ville Valo – Finnish singer (HIM)[175] ; Ned Vizzini – American writer[176] ; Kurt Vonnegut – American author[177] ; Joey Votto – Canadian baseball player[178] ; David Foster Wallace, American writer[179] ; Mike Wallace, American journalist on 60 Minutes[180] ; Evelyn Waugh, British novelist and journalist[181] ; Denise Welch, English actress and television presenter[182] ; Billy West, American voice artist[183] ; Delonte West, American basketball player[184] ; Dan White, American killer of Harvey Milk and George Moscone[185] ; Walt Whitman, American poet[186] ; Kevin Whitrick, British electrical engineer[187] ; Robbie Williams, British pop singer[188] ; Tennessee Williams, American playwright[189] ; William Carlos Williams, American poet[190] ; Brian Wilson, American musician (Beach Boys)[191] ; Owen Wilson, American comedian and actor[192] ; Gregory Wilton, Australian politician[193] ; Hugo Wolf, Austrian composer[194] ; Lewis Wolpert, British developmental biologist, author and broadcaster[195] ; Virginia Woolf, Adeline Virginia Stephen, British novelist (1882–1941)[196] ; Elizabeth Wurtzel, American writer[197] ; Thom Yorke, English musician, lead singer of Radiohead [198]

    … presumed to have suffered from depression based on analysis or interpretation of letters, journals, artwork, writings or statements of family and friends

    (thumbs up, Andrew)


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