The simple steps to follow in managing a winter cold


Just be guided by the below and you will be fine!!

1. When I started coughing and wheezing I continued going to the office and going to the pub afterwards.

2. When I started to lose my voice and began horking up angry looking chunky green phlegm, I went to an office retreat at Mont Tremblant and, in the evening, spent half my time freezing my nuts off tobogganing and the other half partying into the small hours of the morning.

3. The next day, after snatching a few hours of sleep, a hearse was waiting outside my hotel because someone had alerted the coroner that one of the boneheads from the CBD had almost certainly died in the night from either reckless pneumonia-inducing tobogganing or alcohol poisoning, or, most likely, a combination of the two.

4. After being told, at breakfast that morning, that I looked worse than the pus oozing out of a boil on a Tibetan yak’s infected hairy ass, I self-medicated by going to the pub with a colleague – an Irish colleague…

5. Today at work, feverish, I started taking pills prescribed to another colleague of mine who is also sick (but considerably more attractive than the pus oozing out of a boil on a Tibetan yak’s infected hairy ass) despite the fact that the reason she gave me the pills was because she had had a violently bad reaction to them.

6. My girlfriend then dryly informed me through a Google chat that the side effects of the pills I had started popping are precisely as follows:

Ahem… “Most common side-effects are gastrointestinal: diarrhoea, nausea, extreme irritability, abdominal pain and vomiting, facial swelling. Less common side-effects include headaches, dizziness/motion sickness, rashes, alteration in senses of smell and taste, including a metallic taste that lasts the entire time one takes it. Dry mouth, anxiety, hallucinations, and nightmares have also been reported. In more serious cases it has been known to cause jaundice, cirrhosis, and kidney problems including renal failure. Uneven heartbeats, chest pain, and shortness of breath have also been reported while taking this drug.”

7. My next brilliant move? Leave the office, pop another pill, have a beer, listen to music that approaches the metallic taste in my mouth and freak out over my terrifying hallucinations of having efficient German sex with Angela Merkel in crotchless chaps – all whilst suffering from renal failure and a face swollen to twice its normal size.

Now that’s called nipping a problem in the bud!

About Requiem for the Damned

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One Response to The simple steps to follow in managing a winter cold

  1. Gentle Reader says:

    Pus, my dear. Not puss.

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