The 3 times I have passed out


Number 1 [at my apartment]:

My Ex [beaming]: I’m pregnant!

[5 minutes later after being out cold on the floor]

My Ex [seriously pissed off]: Wake up, for God’s sake! It’s supposed to be GOOD news, you idiot!

Me: How… how is it… possible?

My Ex: I can’t believe this.

Me (addled): No. Really. I don’t understand! What happened?

My Ex: You have always irritated me, Andrew – but you have really outdone yourself this time. We discussed this in detail. I went off the pill and we decided – together – that if I got pregnant, we would have a baby!!!

Me: Was I high when I agreed to this?

My Ex: Arrrrrrggggghhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Number 2 [at the Royal Victoria Hospital]:

Ultrasound Nurse: It’s a girl!!!

[5 minutes later after being out cold on the floor]

Me: A what?!

Ultrasound Nurse [mystified]: It’s a girl. Your baby is a baby girl. What, in God’s name, is wrong with you?!

Me [difficulty breathing]: There must be a mistake.

Ultrasound Nurse and my Ex at the same time: What??!!

Me: Well, I just… you know… had been thinking about taking him to hockey practice, watching football games with him on Sundays… commiserating with him about just how bogus chicks are… you know…

Ultrasound Nurse [appalled]: I can’t believe you just said that!!!

My Ex [dryly]: Ignore him. It gets way worse than that.

Ultrasound Nurse: Mr Bowers, would you like a picture of your beautiful little girl or are you just going to be an ass? Wait, are you… are you actually crossing yourself in front of that monitor??!!!

My Ex: Just block him out!!! I’ve been doing it for the last 2 years!!!

Number 3 [also at the Royal Victoria Hospital]:

Doctor [pointing at my Ex’s impossibly dilated vagina, a couple of bored interns looking on]: That’s her head there, Mr. Bowers.

[5 minutes later after being out cold on the floor]

Bored Intern: Mr. Bowers… Mr. Bowers… are you alright?

Me: Don’t call me Mr. Bowers, please. I’m Andrew.

Bored Intern: Whatever. Are you alright… Andrew.

Me: What happened?!

Bored Intern: You passed out when you saw your baby’s head coming out of your girlfriend’s vagina.

Me: Shit.

My Ex: That’s the third time you’ve done that over the past year, you bastard!

Nurse: Hey!

My Ex: Sorry.

Me: Gaaaaa!!! What in fuck’s name is that blue, squishy wriggly thing?

Nurse: Hey!

Me: Sorry.

My Ex [drier than ice]: THAT is your daughter and, NO, she hasn’t learned how to play hockey yet!

Me: Why is she so blue? She looks like an alien!!!

Nurse & my Ex [simultaneously]: Hey!

Me: Sorry.

Nurse: While you were being busy and useful passed out on the floor, the doctor had to cut the cord wrapped around your daughter’s neck. She could’ve died. Would you like to hold her now?

My Ex: Her name is Rhiannon, by the way.

Me: Yes – yes – I actually did remember that. Hold her?! I’ll break her!

Nurse: Don’t be silly. Just hold her head up… like… this… see!

Rhiannon [through alarming blue eyes]: Hi Daddy!

Me: Oh… My…  God!!!!!

[I managed not to pass out a fourth time…]

 

About Requiem for the Damned

Ask the aliens
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