Unofficial Meeting of the 5 Permanent Members of the UN Security Council at the White House


USA: Okay, what do you guys want to drink? I’m having beer.

UK: Scotch.

FRANCE: White wine.

CHINA: Green tea.

RUSSIA: Vodka.

USA [whispering in an Aide’s ear]: Beer for me; scotch for the lap dog; white wine for the effete; green tea for the sneaky little Buddha and a bottle of vodka – no wait, make that two bottles of vodka – for the gangster.

USA: Now, what the hell are we going to do about these goddamn Iranians?

UK [fawning]: I would like to agree with you, in advance, that no options are off the table. Except [raising an eyebrow at France which had its hand up to speak]… surrender.

FRANCE [lowering its hand]: Pffft – very well.

USA: Get your tongue out of my asshole, UK – you don’t know where it’s been.

CHINA [amused]: I do, big boy.

FRANCE: Ooh la la!

USA [blushing]: Shut up, China. Mind your own business, France. What do you think, Russia?

RUSSIA: About your asshole?

USA [roaring]: No!!! About the fucking Iranians!!!

RUSSIA: Well, prince, Genoa and Lucca are now no more than private estates of the Bonaparte family. No, I warn you, that if you do not tell me we are at war, if you again allow yourself to palliate all the infamies and atrocities of this –

UK [interjecting]: In a nutshell, Russia, for God’s sake. At least stick to the war part and leave out the bloody peace bit.

RUSSIA [indignant and draining its glass of vodka]: Fine, I’ll keep selling arms to Iran and just let the Zionists take out Natanz when the time comes.

USA: Jesus Christ, Russia, you know damn well Israel won’t be taking anything out without my okay. There’s a reason I’m The Great Satan, you know!

UK [proudly]: And I’m The Little Satan! It’s just so awesome that London is #2 after New York on the terrorist hit list!

CHINA [rubbing its hands together gleefully]: Just a matter of time now before I am The Greatest Satan of All. Booyah, motherfuckers!

USA [irked]: Yeah well, for now I’m still the boss of you so if you don’t shut it, I’ll shove one of my aircraft carriers right up your Yangtze.

UK: Yes, and I’ll shove a Vanguard submarine right up your Yangtze.

CHINA: Ha! Good luck even finding my Yangtze, big and little boys. You couldn’t even find Bin Laden “hiding out” right under your noses for 10 years!

RUSSIA: Hee hee! Good one, China!

FRANCE [smugly]: Well, of course I knew where Bin Laden was the whole time.

USA: WHAT??!! And you didn’t tell us?!

FRANCE: But of course not. I surrendered to him right after 9/11.

UK: You disgust me.

FRANCE [with a dismissive Gallic shrug]: Fuck you. Not a single hijacked plane has been crashed on French soil.

UK [irate and shaking a finger at France]: I’m telling you once again – Germany was never really the enemy. It’s always been you, France. Instead of saving your ass, I should have let Germany just have it – in both World Wars!

USA [chuckling] Come on now guys – we all know who saved whose asses in both World Wars.

UK [submissively]: Yes, Master.

FRANCE: Whatever.

RUSSIA: Um, excuse me, but the Soviet Union did some serious ass-saving in both World Wars.

USA: How many times have I told you, Russia, do NOT invoke the Dark Empire? Still gives me the willies even though I did kick your commie ass at the end of the day. You better damn well remember that, China, and I don’t give a shit if there are 1.5 billion of you little motherfuckers out there backing you up. I’ll kick your commie ass too!

CHINA: Right, big boy – once again, in the unlikely event you can find it. By the way, how’s your economy holding up? Mine expanded by 567% last week, just FYI. Also, why do our discussions always revolve around asses?

USA [grumpily]: It’s the American way – like it or lump it, asshole.

FRANCE [dreamily]: I love ass.

UK: Shut up, France.

FRANCE: I especially love your wife’s ass, UK. I can still remember gripping it in my hands as I screwed her senseless on the floor of the Oval Office last night.

UK [strangling France]: Again?! You dirty, rotten son-of-a-bitch! I’ll kill you!!!

RUSSIA [strangling UK]: Not so fast, UK. France is a perv but has always been a friend to Russia! Hands off!!!

USA [strangling RUSSIA]: Stop mauling my boy with your filthy, drunken bear hands, Russia. I’m going to kick your fucking ass!!!

CHINA [shaking its head and letting itself out the door]: Always with the asses. I’ll just take care of the Iranians myself…

About Requiem for the Damned

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