He looked skyward ruefully. The clouds were so swollen with rain, from one horizon to the other, that it was almost as dark as night. A single lantern swung in the entrance of the massive Ark where a harried Noah was processing the last of the big African mammals for boarding.
“Hurry up! Hurry up!” screeched Naamah, Noah’s wife, from below decks. “Rain’s coming and God’s going to be super pissed if we’re not ready”.
“Yes, yes”, snapped Noah. “I’m doing my best”.
“Well, I hope your performance in bed last night isn’t the gold standard of you ‘doing your best’ – otherwise, we’re screwed. Or not, so to speak. Ha”!
“I’ll screw you good and proper, you old shrew”, Noah muttered. “I’ll trade you in for a younger, lighter model… I’ll…”
“Hey there, sexy sailor”, interrupted Mr. Giraffe in a high-pitched voice, prancing up the gang plank in a tight tank top with pink and yellow ribbons streaming down his neck.
“Good afternoon, Mrs. Giraffe. Where’s your husband”?
“Tee hee, silly boy, I am Mr. Giraffe. Here’s Mrs. Giraffe right behind me”, he said as Mrs. Giraffe appeared at his side wearing a modest summer dress and looking demure.
“Um… I… okay”, said Noah, scratching his head. “Is that an earring in your right ear”?
“Isn’t it a beauty, lover”, cooed Mr. Giraffe, craning his neck so Noah could get a better look.
“Now wait just a minute”, said Noah, firmly. “No gays on the voyage”.
“And why not”? asked Mr. Giraffe haughtily.
“Because God hates you and the whole point is for you to reproduce and perpetuate your species with your wife”.
“Does that mean Edgar has to have sex with me”? asked Mrs. Giraffe, suddenly excited.
“It most certainly does, Mrs. Giraffe”.
“I… but… I love Sylvia but she’s just my fag hag”.
“Not anymore”, said Noah, wagging his finger up at Mr. Giraffe. “You will fuck your wife every day of this voyage…”
“Ohooooo, Ohhhhoooooooo!!!” squealed Mrs. Giraffe in delight, clapping her two front hooves together.
“And I’ll be sure you do”, continued Noah. “Otherwise I’ll make you walk the plank and it is my understanding that giraffes are NOT particularly accomplished swimmers”.
“But… I… well…”, stammered Mr. Giraffe, pale and visibly shaken.
“It’s either that or stay behind and drown with the rest of the damned”.
“Come on, darling”! cried Mrs. Giraffe, happily, taking Mr. Giraffe by the hoof and leading him through the entrance. “Not a moment to waste! Let’s get to our room right away”!
“And take out that damn earring while you’re at it! Next”! hollered Noah.
The gangplank thundered as Mr. and Mrs. Rhino charged up it and stopped just a horn’s length from Noah’s face.
“Jesus Christ”! shouted Noah anachronistically. “Take it easy”!
“Chill, little dude”, said Mr. Rhino, lighting two cigarettes. He wore a black polyester shirt unbuttoned to the navel. A huge gold medallion lay buried in the forest of hair on his armoured chest. “Here babe”, he said, handing one of the cigarettes to Mrs. Rhino and giving her a firm open-hooved slap across her flank.
“Thanks, sugar”, she said, wiggling her enormous, mini-skirted butt at him. “Can’t wait to get you to our room, Rocco”!
“From one extreme to another”, said Noah under his breath.
“What’s that”? demanded Mr. Rhino.
“Listen, this isn’t an international sex tour you’re going on here, you know. This is serious God’s business”.
“But we just heard you ordering the giraffes to have sex every single day”! cried Mrs. Rhino.
“That was different”, said Noah testily. “You two look like a pair of porn stars and God only approves of sex to reproduce. You are most definitely NOT supposed to enjoy it”.
“Ain’t that the truth”! called up Naamah shrilly from below decks.
“Hush, Naamah. Just give these horny Rhinos separate quarters when they come down. They can have a conjugal visit once a month – for reproductive purposes only. I don’t want to hear too much charging around and heavy grunting, capiche”?
“Awww – bummer”, said the Rhinos, heads downcast, as they went through the entrance.
“Next! Ah, Mr. Tiger – nice Armani suit – and Mrs…. Lion?! What the hell is this”?!
“Let me explain this, dear”, said Mrs. Lion putting her paw on Mr. Tiger’s shoulder and sweeping her silk scarf around her neck. “See that great big oaf back there?” she asked with a jab of her thumb. Noah leaned sideways and peered down at the bottom of the gangplank. An enormous male lion threw its shaggy head up into the air and roared so loudly it blew Noah’s long white hair and beard back over his shoulders. “That’s Mr. Lion”.
“So? Why aren’t you with him”?!
“That so-called King of the Jungle is a no good, no-account bum. All he does is lie around sunning himself all day while we women cook for him, clean for him and suck his dick. Never so much as a thank you. Then I met Lionel here. Look at the size of him! Look at his muscles! This is a real man who knows how to please a woman. By the way, you’re going to have to get a couple more zebras, Noah. Lionel made stew out of them to eat by candlelight while we were waiting in line. Man, you make me wet just looking at you, Mr. Tiger of mine”!
“Thanks, baby”, purred Mr. Tiger deeply and nuzzling her with his cheek.
“But… but… but…”
“Don’t worry, Noah. Mr Lion is just fine. He’s with that slut, Mrs. Tiger, who doesn’t mind being treated like a door mat”.
“Noooooooooooooooooo!!!” yelled Noah. “There cannot be any interspecies wife-swapping on God’s Ark!!! For heaven’s sake!!! I mean – absolutely NO WAY!!!
Before he could say anything else Mr. Tiger had, with lightning speed, taken Noah’s entire head inside his mouth.
“Um, Noah – can you hear me in there”? asked Mrs. Lion. “Your head is inside a jaw that can exert 1000 pounds of pressure. Can we negotiate something”? Mr. Tiger’s head bobbed up and down as Noah nodded vigorously. “Let him go, baby”. Mr. Tiger coughed out Noah’s head and he stood in front of them, spluttering tiger saliva.
“Listen”, he said, “It’s not me, okay. It’s God – he just won’t have it. I’m telling you”.
“Hmmm”, said Mrs. Lion, thinking. “How about for this trip, we promise to use condoms so that we don’t interbreed and piss off God”.
“Oh, very well… very well”, said Noah irritably. “But stay out of my sight. You disgust me”.
After the couples disappeared inside the Ark, Noah leaned inside the entrance and shouted down the stairs: “Naamah!!! Make sure at the end of the voyage, the tigers are dropped off in Asia and the lions in Africa. And I don’t give a shit what Monty Python has to say about it. Jeesh”!
“Right. God forbid they should actually be happy together, Noah”, she spat back at him.
“Whatever”, muttered Noah. “Next!!! Ah, Mr. and Mrs. Unicorn! And the last ones too, thank heavens”!
“Sorry we’re late” said Mr. Unicorn. “God was just telling us how much we’re his favourite species”.
“Well, you certainly are beautiful creatures. Don’t even need clothes. I bet you’re not gay”!
“I bet you’re not sex maniacs”!
I bet you’re not into wife-swapping”!
“Of course not!!! Our only problem is that we’re quite dyslexic”.
“Whew”! sighed Noah. “Do, please come in. Watch your step”.
The unicorns trotted inside and paused in front of a sign which read:
All carnivores to the RIGHT
All other creatures to the LEFT
They shrugged at each other and turned right.
Noah heard the unicorns’ blood-curdling screams as he was drawing up the anchor. “Oh no…” he whispered. “Dyslexic… No, no, no… Oh, no! Noooooooooooooooooooooo!”
“Nooooooooaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh”!!! bellowed God as all the fountains of the great deep were broken up, and the windows of heaven were opened, and the rain was upon the earth…