15 July 2011 – 1:45 PM – Dim Sum at La Maison Kam Fung
Rhiannon: Why don’t you just use a knife and fork?
Me: Um – because you’re supposed to eat Chinese food with chopsticks. You cretin.
Rhiannon: Oh really? Is that why half of your food is on the floor, on your face or coming out your ears?
Me [pulling a piece of calamari out of my ear]: Yes. It’s a cultural thing.
Rhiannon: Uh-huh. Is it also a “cultural thing” to have bits of pork dumpling coming out your nose?
Me: Of course. I’ve been to Beijing. Everybody does it there.
Rhiannon: Everyone in here is pointing and staring at you and whispering in Chinese?
Me [nonchalantly]: They’re just awe-struck by me showcasing my chopsticks skills, sweetheart.
Rhiannon: Didn’t you almost poke out one of your eyes with one just a minute ago?
Me: No, I was deftly retrieving a bit of spring roll that had gotten lodged in my cornea.
Waiter: Would you like some more tea?
Rhiannon: Please tell him he can’t drink his tea with chopsticks.
Me [waving my hand in the air]: Not to worry. I’m fully experienced in this.
Waiter [pouring the tea and opening an umbrella]: Of course you are.
16 July 2011 – 5:20 PM – Botanical Gardens
Rhiannon: what kind of fish are those?
Me [sagely]: Yes, they are part of the carp family. Japanese people especially get off on them.
Rhiannon: Well duh – we’re in the Japanese garden. They have big mouths.
Me: Yeah, they remind me of someone.
Rhiannon: Hey! I don’t have a big mouth!
Me: You have a very big mouth.
Rhiannon: Oh yeah, your mouth is so big, I could shove three of those fish in it.
Me: Oh yeah? Your mouth is so big, the fish have probably gone deaf just from listening to you. Look, that one there is covering its ears with its fins!
Rhiannon: Oh yeah? Your mouth is so big, the fish have probably gone insane just from listening to you. Look, that one’s banging its head against a rock and saying “make it stop. Make it stop”!
Me: Oh yeah? Your mouth is so big, if a tree fell in the forest no one would be able to hear if it made a sound!
Rhiannon [after a puzzled moment]: THAT DOESN’T MEAN ANYTHING!!!
Elderly Japanese man: Excuse me, can you keep it down a little, I’m trying to read my book.
Me: See! Your mouth is so big, this ancient old relic can’t hear himself read.
Rhiannon: Oh Yeah…
17 July 2011 – 1:35 PM – Oka Beach
My mother: There was a shoot-out here.
Rhiannon [eyes widening]: Really?!
Me: No, just don’t plan on expanding any golf courses onto Mohawk burial grounds. You’ll only create a 78-day standoff with the SQ, then the RCMP and finally the army. In the end you’ll never get your extra nine holes.
Rhiannon: Nana, does Daddy ever say anything that makes any sense?
My mother: Andrew, you’re talking to a 10-year-old.
Me: And bear in mind, sweetheart, the ancestors of the Mohawk people were not big golfers and their ghosts simply hate the din of people yelling “Fore”! all the time. Now, if you wanted to build a casino, on the other hand – you’d be away to the races. What you need is…
My mother [interrupting]: Dear…
Rhiannon: All I wanted to know is if there was a shootout.
Me: I told you- no, there was no shoot-out.
My mother: I seem to recall someone died though.
Rhiannon: What happened?
Me: Maybe he got dinged with a golf ball.
My mother: Andrew!!!