9 September 2011 – 10:40 AM – eating breakfast in front of my aquarium
Me: Check out the 3 new white and black molly babies! Our fish are sex maniacs!
Rhiannon: Really? Who are their parents?
Me [pointing]: Um, well, the black one there is the father. Horn dog that he is, he tries to mate with everything in the tank including Cocksucker.
Me: Ooops – I meant the big, orange, creepy sucker fish who is always sucking on everything.
Rhiannon: The big, orange, creepy sucker fish is too big for the black molly!
Me: Yes, well I was kind of kidding. However, the black molly there IS the father of the 3 new fish.
Rhiannon: Which one is the mother? Hey, it must have been the white molly. Where is she?
Me: Ummm, errrrrr – she is no longer with us…
Rhiannon [raising a suspicious eyebrow]: What did you do Daddy?
Me [protesting]: I didn’t do anything! The Gouramis executed her.
Me: Well, you know how the fish like to play close to the surface of the water and sometimes the water splashes out of the tank?
Me: Well, one evening I heard a bunch of splashing about and went to take a look.
Me: The Gouramis just tossed the white molly out of the tank and started pissing themselves laughing. I didn’t have time to save her before she died.
Rhiannon: Why would they do that?
Me: Because Gouramis are asshole fishes. In fact, as you know – I’ve given all the other fish nice normal names but they are just called “Asshole I” and “Asshole II”. I’m sorely tempted to flush one of them just to teach the other that it’s not acceptable to be chucking fish out of the aquarium just for a good laugh.
Rhiannon: Awww, I can’t believe the babies don’t have a mother. It’s so sad.
Me [contrite]: Well, if it makes you feel any better, there hasn’t been any more bloodshed in the aquarium since I gave those Gouramis a damn good talking to. I even drew a picture for them of a toilet bowl with one of them swirling down into the bottom of it. In fact, all the fish are remarkably well behaved now.
Me: Yes, they even have tea together now on Sundays after church.
Me: No, it’s true! Really! They are wearing their smartest outfits and they play bridge together afterwards. You can see them holding tiny little playing cards in their fins and giving each other knowing signals…
Rhiannon: Don’t kill any more of our fish.
Me: I’ll be good.
10 September 2011 – 10:25 PM –conversation with my friend, Cristina
Cristina: So, what did you do today with Rhiannon?
Me: We went for a bike ride down the Lachine Canal with my mother and her boyfriend.
Cristina: Awesome! How was it?
Me: Great! I took a bunch of pictures.
Cristina: I bet they are adorable!
Me: Um – not exactly.
Cristina: What do you mean?
Me: I left them behind while I took pictures of warehouses and old industrial complexes.
Cristina [incredulous]: You did what?
Me: I just like industrial shots so I took a few. No biggy.
Cristina: So, you haven’t seen your daughter in a month and you go on a bike ride with your family and, rather than take some nice shots of them, you blow them off and take pictures of industrial complexes? Have I got this straight?
Me: Well, it doesn’t sound very good when you put it that way.
Cristina: From top to bottom and from right to left – from the inside to the outside…
Cristina: You really fucking suck.
11 September 2011 – 2:30 PM – just before leaving to drop off Rhiannon at the train station
Rhiannon: What’s the matter, Daddy?
Me: Nothing, baby.
Rhiannon: Why do you look so sad again?
Me: Two things.
Me: You’re leaving and you just got here and a lot of people died 10 years ago today.
Me: Yes, you were just a baby.
Rhiannon: I know, Daddy, but you can’t feel so sad about things so much all the time.
Me [smiling]: You are right! Let’s go have an ice cream and get out of here!