Intellectual Titans

Chance meeting in Paris on the eve of World War I…

Albert Einstein [warily]: Why do you keep looking at me like that, Winston?

Winston Churchill [angrily wagging his finger]: You’re a Goddamn Krout, Albert. I hate all you motherfuckers. Even the French suck less than you.

Albert Einstein [wryly]: Ha! So, things are relative then after all, huh?

Winston Churchill: Don’t you start with me with all that theoretical physics and speed of light bullshit, Albert. Sir Isaac Newton, the finest Englishman known to Mankind (present company excluded, of course) figured physics all out in perfect beauty two and a half Goddamn centuries ago. So, fuck yourself.

Albert Einstein: Wow, “Sir” Isaac figures out rudimentary principles of gravity because an apple falls on his head in an orchard. What a pikey!

Winston Churchill: Albert, if you are going to call Isaac Newton a pikey, I’m going to drop something much larger and heavier on your head than a Goddamn apple to conclusively demonstrate his well-established theories of gravity.

Virginia Woolf: Gentlemen, must you speak so crassly. I feel a touch of the madness coming on. It’s coming in waves – wave upon wave to the lighthouse.

James Joyce: Whatif she be in flags or flitters, reekierbags or sundayechosies, with a mint of mines or beggar a pennyweight. Arrah –

Virginia Woolf: Oh shut up, James. Just speak English for a fucking change.

Winston Churchill: Seriously, James, you pretentious Irish cunt.

James Joyce: You shut up, Virginia.

Virginia Woolf: Why don’t you go ass-fuck your wife, James, and then write about sniffing your dick afterwards? You’re really good at it.

James Joyce: Maybe I should convince Leonard to give you a good ass-fucking, Virginia. Lord knows, it would do you some good, you ugly old dyke.

Leonard Woolf: Um, I’m sitting right here, James.

James Joyce: Oh, sorry – you’re so insignificant I never notice you’re here.

Sigmund Freud: I fucked my mother in the ass once when I was on coke…

Albert Einstein: I’m suddenly getting ideas about black holes…

Gertrude Stein: You know, James, I take offence to that word, “dyke”.

Winston Churchill: Oh, dear God, who invited this fat bitch?

Pablo Picasso. Hey! Don’t insult my friend, Winston. It’s uncalled for.

Winston Churchill: Listen, Pablo, you could rearrange her face in a million different variations of your stupid cubist configurations and she’d still be an overrated fat bitch.

Czar Nicolas II [anxiously]: I think the peasants are getting restless…

Winston Churchill: No shit, Nicolas. I wonder if it has anything to do with that time you fired Fabergé eggs at them from a canon on the balcony of your Palace back in ’05.

James Joyce: Did you really do that, Nicolas?

Czar Nicolas II: Hee, hee! Yeah – it was pretty cool!

James Joyce: Awesome!

Virginia Woolf: Why are you such an asshole, James?

Friedrich Nietzsche: Asshole is dead!!!

And the lamps began to go out all over Europe. They would be relit and then extinguished again in our time…

About Requiem for the Damned

Ask the aliens
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