Group Therapy for Superheroes


Counsellor [smiling brightly]: Okay, let’s get started. Well, you all know why you’re here. You have all come to see me to get some help and, because you’re all superheroes, I decided group therapy might work nicely for you.

Spiderman: I thought Batman was going to be here.

Counsellor [still smiling brightly]: He texted me a minute ago. He’ll be here any minute and said to go ahead.

Superman: Pfffft! Batman! Who cares about that cave dweller?! And what do you mean we’re all superheroes? Who’s this dorky looking dweeb sitting next to me?

Wonder Woman [dryly]: Um, you might want to choose your adjectives a little more tactfully, Superman. That “dorky looking dweeb” sitting next to you is the Hulk – the one and only being who has ever given you the good beat-down you so richly deserve.

Dr. Bruce Banner [meekly]: Hi.

Superman [scoffing while admiring his own reflection in the Counsellor’s office window]: Yeah, right! I could snap this little dude in half between my finger tips!

Counsellor [no longer smiling]: Don’t forget, Superman, unlike the rest of you who only have to get into costume to shed your secret identities, Dr. Banner actually transforms into The Hulk when he gets angry.

Superman: Um, I know, but I still thought he’d be pretty big anyway. You know, like Schwarzenegger or something.

Wonder Woman: Yeah well, try not to piss him off or else, next time, he might do some damage you won’t be able to fly away from.

Superman [still sceptical]: Hmmmmm…

Spiderman [aside to Superman]: It’s true. I didn’t believe it either when I first met this guy. He’s a theoretical physicist who sits around all day writing equations and muttering to himself. So, I tested it by walking up to him and yelling “prove string theory”! in his face. He only calmed down after he had levelled 10 city blocks and squished my cat.

Superman [a shadow of nervousness crossing his face]: Got it.

Counsellor [anxiously]: Good. Perhaps we can start now?

Wonder Woman: Hey Doc, has a woman ever made you mad when you’ve been in bed with her?

Dr. Bruce Banner: What?

Wonder Woman [dreamily]: Just curious. The awesome potential there is just awesome.

Spiderman: Seriously, Wonder Woman?! “The awesome potential there is just awesome”?!! And you’re the feminist icon for girls who read comic books?!!! You’re just more T & A!!!

Wonder Woman: Shut up, Spiderman!

Superman [mortified]: Whhaaaaaaat?! Girls read comic books?! But… But… I wear my underpants on the outside of my costume!!!

Counsellor [soothingly]: There there, Superman. You are simply expressing your inner self and, besides, Batman wears his underpants on the outside of his costume too…

Spiderman: I like to show off my package so I don’t wear any underpants at all – either over or under my Spidey suit! You guys have no idea how much pussy I get when I’m fighting crime!

Wonder Woman [rolling her eyes]: Oh, give me a break!

Spiderman: I didn’t hear you complaining last night, babe!

Wonder Woman: Are you insane?! I –

Batman [coming through the door dishevelled, bloody and his costume in tatters]: Sorry I’m late.

Counsellor [alarmed]: Heavens! What on earth happened to you!!

Batman [heavily, slumping into a chair]: Ugh, I got beaten up by the bad guys again.

Superman: Ha! Ha! Ha! What a pussy! Looks like he lost his outside underwear too! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Batman: Shut up, Superman!

Counsellor [frowning]: Superman, in group therapy we’re supposed to be supportive of one another!

Superman: Ha! Ha! Ha! I’m sorry, Counsellor, but he wonders why he’s always getting the crap kicked out of him. Maybe it’s because he doesn’t have any super powers. Is he faster than a speeding bullet? More powerful than a locomotive? Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound? I don’t think so. He can’t fly. He doesn’t have x-ray vision. None of that cool shit. All he has is that stupid Batmobile and even that thing is just a souped-up Olds with a bit of armour.

Spiderman: Hee, hee! Remember the time Joker glued Batman’s wings together and hung him from a tree in Central Park?!

Superman [roaring]: Ha! Ha! Ha! I had forgotten that one, Spidey! And that little faggot, Robin, had to call the Fire Department to get him down! Oh God, that was outstanding!

Wonder Woman [laughing]: That was pretty funny!

Counsellor: People! People! Shame on you! Batman has obviously had a very bad day and you should really be more sensitive to his feelings.

Superman [jabbing his thumb at Dr. Bruce Banner]: Oh, please, even this shrivelled up little dick can crush a Blackhawk helicopter between his teeth when he’s pissed.

Dr. Bruce Banner [eyes bulging]: Now, you look Superman – first you call me a “dorky looking dweeb” and now you call me a “shrivelled up little dick”. You’re really starting to get on my nerves.

Superman [going pale]: Sorr… sorry Hulk. I didn’t mean it that way… Really… Don’t… don’t get angry…

Counsellor: Ah, that’s much better. Understanding and conciliation are key!

Batman [slowly and darkly]: You’re really starting to get on my nerves too, Superman. I may not have your wonderful super powers, but just guess what I can do?

Superman [regaining his composure]: Pfft! What? Help this old geezer cross the street?

Dr. Bruce Banner: That’s it! That’s the limit!!

Batman [taking out 3 bright green balls]: I can juggle kryptonite!!!

Superman [dropping to the floor and quivering in the foetal position]: Ahhhhh…. Ahaahhhhhhhaaaa!! Nooooooooooo!!!!!

Batman [grabbing Superman by the throat with one hand and pushing a ball of Kryptonite in his face with the other]: How’d you like me now, punk?! I’m going to shove this down your big, fat mouth! Then we’ll see if you make any more homophobic slurs against my Robin!!

Superman [choking on the kryptonite and going into convulsions]: Ggggrrrrrrrrmmmmmpphhhhhhh!!!!

Counsellor [becoming hysterical]: Stop this! Stop this at once!!

Dr. Bruce Banner: Excellent, Batman! I want a piece of this. Quick, someone piss me off more!

Wonder Woman: Gladly! All attempts to reconcile quantum mechanics and general relativity are doomed to failure!!!

The Hulk [stamping on Superman’s head]: Rrrrrraaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!! Kill!!!!! Kill!!!!!!!!!!!!! Rrrrrraaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!

Counsellor [screaming]: No! No!! No!!! This is not the way to get healthy!!!

Batman [shoving another ball of kryptonite down Batman’s outside underpants]: Come on Wonder Woman, work the groin with those boots – they weren’t made for walking!!!

Wonder Woman [stamping on Superman’s crotch]: Hell yeah!! I’ll just pretend this is Spiderman’s “package”!!! Who’s a big man now?

Yoda [in a commanding voice, floating through the air, with light saber drawn]: Halt!!!

Counsellor [breaking the sudden silence]: Yoda! Oh, thank God you’re here Yoda! They’ve gone mad!

Yoda [in a pained, disappointed voice]: Don’t you see, superheroes? Size matters not…

Wonder Woman [under her breath]: Yeah right…

Yoda: Silence! Look at me. Judge me by my size, do you? Hmm? Hmm…

The Hulk [under his breath]: Well, yes…

Yoda: Silence! And well you should not, Hulk. For my ally is the Force, and a powerful ally it is. Life creates it, makes it grow. Its energy surrounds us and binds us…

Superman [under his breath]: Oh God, another Force lecture. I’d rather have Wonder Woman kicking me in the nuts with kryptonite shoved down my outside underpants…

Yoda: Silence! Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter…

Spiderman [under his breath]: He’s been smoking that shit again…

Yoda: Silence!  You must feel the Force around you; here, between you, me, the tree, the rock, everywhere, yes. Even between the land and the ship…

Superman , Wonder Woman, Spiderman & The Hulk [simultaneously and lunging at Yoda]: Get him!!!

Counsellor: No!!! No!!! No!!! No!!! No!!! No!!! No!!! No!!! No!!! No!!!

*

 

About Requiem for the Damned

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