Rhiannon Chronicles 2012 [March 9-12]

9 March 2012 – 10:45 PM – Rhiannon and I surfing the Internet on our respective computers in my home office

Me: Grrrrrrrrrrr…

Rhiannon: Daddy, why are you growling?

Me [snapping my neck around aggressively]: What?!

Rhiannon: You’ve been growling like an angry dog for the last 10 minutes.

Me: No I haven’t! Grrrrrrrrrrr…

Rhiannon: There, you just did it again!

Me: I don’t know what you’re talking about, you poor, foolish child. Grrrrrrrrrrr…

Rhiannon: Daddy?

Me: What?!

Rhiannon: You didn’t have a beard when you picked me up at the train station an hour ago…

Me [rubbing my face]: What the…? Oh no! Rhiannon, open the blinds a minute.

Rhiannon [frowning]: Um – okay…

Me [searching the night sky]: Oh, fuck. Full moon… Grrrrrrrrrrr…

Rhiannon: What’s your problem this time?

Me: Never mind… I… I better go shave now…

Rhiannon [rolling her eyes]: Yeah, you go do that.

Me [fleeing to the bathroom]: Goddamn it! Grrrrrrrrrrr…

Rhiannon [calling out 10 minutes later]: Daddy, where are you?!

Me [calling back]: Mlaaarrrhhhaagghhhh… Still shaving! Brraaahhhhgggggghhhh… back in a minute!

Rhiannon [calling back]: Are you okay?!

Me [sprinting to the front door and yelling]: Rhiannon, stay here! I’ll be right back!!!

Rhiannon: Where are you going?!!

Me: Just… Just… grrraaaaaghhhh… need to feed… terrible hunger… blaaaaaaaaaahhhhh! Back in a jiff!!

Rhiannon [downloading another episode of Wizards of Waverly Place on YouTube as the house shakes with the slamming of the front door and pounding down the door steps]: Man, he just gets weirder every time I come here.


10 March 2012 – 5:45 PM – back home after seeing the butterflies at the Montreal Botanical Gardens

Rhiannon: That was cool!

Me [shadow boxing in front of the bedroom mirror]: I float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.

Rhiannon: I like how they suck on the oranges.

Me [defiantly]: He got me down at MSG in 1970…

Rhiannon: Their wings are so papery…

Me: But I made vanilla in Manila!

Rhiannon: Isn’t it neat that they’re caterpillars first?

 Me: The jungle doesn’t frighten me!

 Rhiannon: Isn’t it strange how the butterflies are always having sex all the time, though?

 Me [still in front of the bedroom mirror, shadow boxing]: Come on, bitches, I can take it!

 Rhiannon: I like how they stick to the flowers…

 Me: Bring it, MoFo…

 Rhiannon: Were you saying something, Daddy?

 Me: Um – no. Were you?

Rhiannon: Um – no.

 Me: Thanks, God.

 Rhiannon: Want to play some Ninja Wii?

 Me: Oh, yeah!

 Rhiannon: Awesome!


 12 March 2012 – 11:10 AM – Rhiannon and I surfing the Internet on our respective computers in my home office

Rhiannon: What is it with you and Asians?

Me: What??!!

Rhiannon: I’ve been looking at your Facebook all morning.

Me: Oh, dear God, no!

Rhiannon: What?

Me: You’re not supposed to look at my Facebook! Gaaaaaaa!

Rhiannon [with coy smirk]: So?

Me: Rhiannon, women come in many varieties and I would like to think I am non-prejudicial. It’s all good.

Rhiannon: What’s a transvestite?

Me: What??!!

Rhiannon: I’ve already told you that I’ve been looking at your Facebook all morning.

Me: Gaaaaaaa!

Rhiannon: So?

Me: It’s when men dress up as women or women dress up as men.

Rhiannon: Why are you a transvestite?

Me: What??!!

Rhiannon: Daddy – for the last time, I’ve been looking at your Facebook all morning.

Me: Gaaaaaaa!

Rhiannon: So?

Me [haughtily]: It just makes me happy – okay?

Rhiannon: Weirdo!

Me: Shut up, Rhiannon.

Rhiannon: What’s a motherfucker?

Me: What??!!

Rhiannon: I don’t think I need to tell you.

Me: Get in the shower and brush your teeth. This conversation is so over.

Rhiannon [trundling from the room]: Fine – you motherfucker.

Me: Hey! Take that back!

Rhiannon [calling from the bathroom]: No way!


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