Toilet Talk


Two gangsters in the bathroom of a hotel lobby just before they are killed in a gun battle with the police…

Vincent [sheepishly]: Hey, do you mind moving down one urinal? You’re giving me pee anxiety.

Carmine [frowning]: I’m what?

Vincent: Pee anxiety, man. Sometimes, when there’s someone at the urinal right next to me, I can’t pee no matter how bad I got to go.

Carmine: You got to be shitting me!

Vincent: Just move down one will you?

Carmine: Fuck you, Vince. I’m in mid-piss here! What’s your problem, anyway? You worried I’m going to sneak a peek, or what?! Sorry-ass pencil dick!

Vincent [sulkily]: Yeah – it’s okay for you. You’re black!

Carmine [exasperated]: Oh Jesus, Vincent! You’re not buying into that bullshit stereotype that all black dudes have huge dicks, are you?

Vincent: Listen, I’ve seen a lot of porn, okay? Every single black guy I’ve ever seen in a porn movie has a huge cock, man. I’m just saying.

Carmine [zipping up his fly]: Did you ever stop to consider that pornographers deliberately recruit niggers with big dicks just to feed the imaginations of you dumb-ass white boys? I’m done now. Going over there to wash my hands. Piss away, anxiety-boy!

Vincent [sighing with the release of his bladder]: Okay, forget about porn. Do you remember Lazy Eye Brown from the north end?

Carmine [washing his hands]: Shit yeah. That nigger was one bad motherfucker.

Vincent: Yeah, no shit. One day I was pissing and he came up to the urinal beside me.

Carmine [rolling his eyes]: Let me guess, your piss froze in its tracks on account of your “pee anxiety”.

Vincent: No, no, man. Once I’ve actually started pissing I’m cool. Anyway, the point is when Lazy Eye pulled out his dick, the thing was so fucking big – I didn’t see it – I heard it.

Carmine [incredulous]: You what?

Vincent [zipping up his fly]: I’m serious! I heard it. It kind of made this flopping sound as it came out his pants. Then I caught sight of it out the corner of my eye. I swear I wasn’t trying to sneak a peek. It was just there… just for a second… and I swear it was over a foot long… flaccid, man. I’m not kidding.

Carmine: First, your reputation for exaggeration precedes you wherever you go. Second, how tall would you say Lazy Eye was?

Vincent: Oh, shit. He must’ve cleared 7 feet, easy!

Carmine: That’s right. The man was a fucking giant!

Vincent: So?

Carmine [raising his voice]: Doesn’t it stand to reason, so to speak, that a giant would have a dick that’s proportional to the rest of his body?! You idiot!

Vincent [smugly]: That’s not true, you know.

Carmine: Oh, is that right? How so?

Vincent: Dwarf porn!

Carmine [slowly shaking his head and rubbing his temples]: What?!

Vincent: Dwarf porn, man! I swear to God – I seen it. Those little fuckers all have regular sized dicks. Some of them are even bigger than regular size. Not as big as black dicks, though.

Carmine [searching Vincent’s face]: What’s wrong with you?!

Vincent: Okay, okay. I’ll give you one last example. I was out the other night having a drink with a buddy of mine. He was telling me that his 70-year-old father, who’s whiter than the whites of your eyes, fell and cracked his pelvis awhile back.

Carmine [tapping his foot impatiently]: And?

Vincent: And, the bruising around his groin area was so bad that everything turned black, including his cock!!!

Carmine [laughing]: Get the fuck out of here!

Vincent: No, really. He was dead serious. And you know what happened when his cock turned black? It got bigger, man! And when it went back to being white after his pelvis healed, it shrunk down to its normal size again. True fucking story.

Carmine [sighing deeply]: You are really outdoing yourself on the stupid front tonight, aren’t you Vincent?

Vincent [resentfully]: What?

Carmine: What would happen if I punched you in the eye as hard as I possibly could? Something I am sorely tempted to do right now.

Vincent: Well, I’d probably shoot you.

Carmine: Think now. What would happen to your eye? Is it at all possible that you’d get a black eye?

Vincent: Duh.

Carmine: And aren’t black eyes all swollen and enlarged?

Vincent [resignedly]: Alright, alright. Come on, let’s get this business done.

Carmine: Whoa, whoa! Where the fuck do you think you’re going?

Vincent: Um, we have a job to do and I’m tired of talking about dicks.

Carmine: Aren’t you going to wash your damn hands, man?!

Vincent [lighting a cigarette and checking his weapon]: Nope. I don’t wash my hands in public bathrooms.

Carmine: Dude, wash your hands or I will most definitely shoot you.

Vincent: No way.

Carmine: Why the hell not? It’s disgusting. You know, they did a study on beer nuts. Do you have any idea how much human piss a beer nut contains? Tons of the shit! Why? Because assholes like you can’t be bothered to wash their hands after they piss. I like beer nuts! You’re pissing in my motherfucking beer nuts, Vincent!!!

Vincent [calmly]: No, I’m not, Carmine. I never get piss on my hands when I’m pissing and the skin on my dick is just the same as the skin on any other part of my body. Am I supposed to wash my hands every time I scratch my ear? I don’t fucking think so. Fuck that. It’s stupid. Besides, I’d probably get more germs on my hands touching those grubby-looking faucets. So, like it or love it, I’m not going to wash my hands after pissing just because society tells me I should.

Carmine [menacingly]: Society isn’t telling you to wash your hands. I’m telling you to wash your goddamn hands! You have “pee anxiety”, for fuck’s sake! You probably piss all over yourself!

Vincent [haughtily]: On the contrary. If you were listening before, I can’t piss when I have pee anxiety. When I don’t have pee anxiety, my hands are as steady as a brain surgeons’.

Carmine [grumpily]: Oh, the hell with this. Let’s go. We’re going to be late. It’s on record, though, that you disgust me.

Vincent [leading the way out the door into the lobby where the police are waiting]: About goddamn time!

Carmine [muttering]: Shut up. I bet, at home, you’re one of those lazy assholes who can’t be bothered to clean off the gross pubic hair that builds up between the toilet seat and the tank. You probably expect your bitch to do it every time.

Vincent: Nope. Don’t have to clean it.

Carmine: Oh yeah, why’s that?

Vincent: I shave off my pubic hair…

Carmine [aghast]: You do what, motherfucker?

Vincent: That’s right. So the bitch has to do it because none of it’s mine. I –

Police Officer [shouting]: Freeze! Both of you!!!

*

About Requiem for the Damned

Ask the aliens
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