Kim Jong-un Rehearsing a Speech in Front of his “Inner Circle”

Kim Jong-un [standing at the front of the conference room]: Okay guys, no one’s paying any attention to us again so I need to address the US myself this time and on camera. Maybe this’ll get back their attention. I’ve been practicing the speech all morning so let me know what you think. Ready? Okay, here goes…

[putting on a super angry face] Decadent American capitalist whores!!! You come over here with your fancy ships and your shiny warplanes!!! You think you can scare us with your pitiful “exercises”?!!! Pfffft!!! We will engulf your entire nation, from “sea to shining sea”, in a nuclear fire so fearsome, so all-consuming; all of your corrupted citizens will be left nothing more than blackened paper!!! We will crush them into mountains of ash and dust!!! We will reduce your “great cities” to empty, burning wastelands and the tears of your dead children will rain down from the sky with our bombs and missiles. This is the terrible price you will pay for setting your imperialist boots on the Korean penisula…

[pausing] Wait, wait – did I just say penis-ula? [starting to snicker] I did, didn’t I? I forgot the ‘n’ in it, didn’t I? Ha! Ha! Ha! Penis! Oh man, guys… guys… stop laughing. Let me practice a bit… peninsula… that’s it, peninsula… la la la. Alright, I got it. No penis in there this time… Oh, I saw you giggling over there, you! Ha! Ha! Ha! Just… just you turn around if you’re going to do that. Okay, guys, here we go – seriously this time…

[putting on a super angry face] Decadent American capitalist whores!!! You come over here with… Pwaahahahaha! I can’t… I don’t think I can do it…Oh, oh, stop… stop making that funny face! Wait, wait here guys… [leaving the room]… Maybe we should do it this way…

[re-entering the conference room in a green Afro wig, fake earrings, oversized sunglasses and a gold medallion dangling around the neck]: Check it out, man… [raising his voice over the laughter] I can be Denis Rodman! It could go like this: “Yo, yo, man… Yo! What up, my fellow Americans? Yo, yo! Why you guys bein’ so mean to my main dude, Kim, huh? Yo, ’cause you know what’s gonna’ happen if you don’t all chill out? No? Well, check this, man…”

[taking out a small plastic model of the White House and placing it on the edge of the table and gesturing to a laughing Premier Pak Pong-ju]: Pak! Pak! Come up here, man. Now, you’re going to pretend to be me okay? Now… now bend over so your ass is right up close to the White House here… Pwaahahahaha! Okay, okay – I got to get back into character… “Yo, yo! You see, here’s Kim’s ass right up in your face, Americans. Now here’s a lighter… I’m going to light this lighter… yep, just like that. Yo, so you see, if we don’t stop bein’ so mean to my brah, Kim, the next time he farts, some serious nuclear hellfire is gonna’ come straight out his ass and melt our president’s mothafuckin’ crib. Yo, that’s… [dissolving into laughter] that’s how powerful Kim’s asshole is!” Oh God, guys, we should so do it! Ha! Ha! Ha!

[looking around the howling room, pleased, and removing the Rodman gear]: Oh man, I was watching Family Guy last night and it had the best word for “asshole”. Did you see it? You know what it is? No? Balloon knot!!! Ha! Ha! Ha! Isn’t that awesome?! Doesn’t an asshole look exactly like a balloon knot? The dog, Brian, had worms and Stewie’s, like, “so, Brian, how’s your balloon knot doing?” Man, I should just address Obama directly. I could just deadpan it, you know, like: “Say there, Mr. President, rumor has it you’ve got worms. Instead of lifting your legs up in the air and scooting across the carpet of the Oval Office with your hands, perhaps DPRK can scratch your balloon knot for you… with a NUCLEAR TIPPED BALLISTIC MISSILE!!! Ha! Ha! Ha!

[fanning the air with his hands to quieten the laughter]: Okay, let’s try again –serious this time…

[putting on a super angry face] Decadent American capitalist… balloon knots… Pwaahahahaha! Oh God, forget it! Just forget it! We’ll do it tomorrow…

[gesturing towards the door] C’mon guys, let’s go to a concentration camp and fire golf balls at the slaves – we’ll gather up the injured afterwards and eat filet mignon in front of them… What’s that? Yeah, yeah, I know my father carded 11 straight holes in one but, you know, at the end of the day he was a bit of a balloon knot too. And besides, I’m more of a hoops man…


About Requiem for the Damned

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